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"I never
believed she'd treat me like this"
It can be difficult to recognise the signs
of abuse in a relationship, as people who are abusive are not always
that way. Things can get worse gradually, and abuse can take
many different forms.
SIGNS OF ABUSE
Looking at your relationship,
you could ask yourself if:
- You feel afraid of upsetting your
partner and you change your behaviour to avoid it.
- Your partner puts you down or
humiliates you.
- Your partner threatens to "out" you
to employers or family
- She constantly monitors your
movements.
- She acts in an aggressive way
towards you or damages your possessions.
- She pressures or forces you to do
sexual things against your will.
- She blames you for her behaviour.
- She threatens to hurt you, other
people or herself if you leave her.
These can be signs
of abuse in a relationship. And it's not only physical
violence that is serious; all abuse has damaging consequences.
It can wear down your confidence and your sense of having rights and
choices. You can be cut off from friends, family and other
supports.
HOW YOU MIGHT FEEL
If you have been in
an abusive relationship, you may feel:
- afraid to tell
anyone
- depressed or
humiliated
- afraid you
have failed as a lover
- scared of
coping alone
- furious that
she could do or say what she did
- confused
because sometimes she is loving and kind
- guilty about
leaving her or worried about her needs
- frustrated and
sad because you tried everything
- afraid of
continued violence if you leave
- panicked that
you may lose your lesbian identity outside the relationship
- worried about
your financial security
- made to
believe that you deserved it
If you feel you have
to watch you behaviour in her presence, something is wrong.
You are the best judge of this. It can also help to
acknowledge the pain and grief of abuse. You may believe that
something you did brought on your partner's abuse, but you are
not to blame, not even if you defended yourself or fought back.
WHAT CAN YOU DO
- Tell friends you
trust.
- Make safety
arrangements such as organising a safe place to go, changing
your phone number and locks.
- Call the police
if you are in immediate danger, or have been physically or
sexually assaulted, stalked or harassed. Violence, threats
of violence and sexual assault are crimes and can be reported to
the police.
- Contact our
office, a shelter, Mobile Crisis or Victims's Services if you
believe your safety is threatened. You can apply for and
Evergency Intervention Order to prevent future violence.
- See a counsellor
IF
SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS BEING ABUSED
- Listen to,
believe and offer practical support to a woman who confides in
you about violence. Ask "How can I help you?" or "What can
you do to make yourself safer?"
- Don't excuse or
deny the abuse.
- Help her
understand it is not her fault
- Support her
confidence to make her own decisions, and don't tell her what to
do.
- Stay in regular
contact with her, whether she leaves her partner or not.
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