Violence in dating relationships is all too common.  It is a result of one partner trying to maintain power and control over the other through abusive means.  This abuse crosses all racial, economic and social lines.  It is common in both heterosexual and same-sex dating relationships.  Young women are most often the victims of dating abuse, however, violence can be part of relationships at any age.

What is Dating Violence?

Dating violence can include psychological abuse.  Some examples of psychological abuse are as follows:

• name calling

• swearing

• lying

• yelling

• criticizing anything or everything about you

• making degrading and/or humiliating comments

• extreme jealousy re: your relationships with others

• controlling your time

• interfering with school, work or other activities

• dismissing your feelings

• refusing to listen to you

• refusing to talk to you

• blaming you for their behaviour

• threatening to out you in a same-sex relationship

• threatening to harm your reputation

• threatening to harm your loved ones, pets or important personal possessions

• threatening physical harm or death

• threatening suicide

• stalking or harassing someone if they leave a relationship

Dating violence can include physical abuse.  Some examples of physical abuse are as follows:

• pinching

• grabbing

• pushing

• slapping

• pulling hair

• biting

• burning

• restraining

• locking up

• punching

• choking, strangling

• throwing things

• destroying things

• driving dangerously

• abusing animals

• forcing the consumption of alcohol or drugs

• intentional drugging of another without their knowledge

• using weapons or objects to harm or kill

• breaking bones

• murder

Dating violence can include sexual abuse.  Some examples of sexual abuse are as follows:

• calling you demeaning names (slut, whore etc.)

• refusing to use condoms to help prevent sexually transmitted infections

• refusing to use any means of birth control

• comparing you to others sexually

• guilting or manipulating to obtain sex

• insisting or forcing the viewing of pornography

• lying in order to get sex

• coercing or threatening some type of loss to access or to engage in painful or degrading acts

• any form of sexual activity without your consent (kissing, fondling or oral, vaginal or anal penetration by a penis, other body parts or objects)

• not stopping sexual activity when asked to

• threatening and/or harming other to obtain submission

• threatening or using violence to obtain submission

• using weapons to obtain submission

IF YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED ANY OF THESE BEHAVIOURS - YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED AND THE CHANCES OF THE ABUSE ESCALATING OVER TIME ARE EXTREMELY HIGH.

PLEASE SEE THE "CYCLE OF VIOLENCE"

http://www.mts.net/~alphahse/cycle_1.gif

EARLY WARNING SIGNS THAT YOUR DATE MAY BECOME ABUSIVE:

Knowing the early warning signs of an abusive relationship can help you to choo9se better relationships.  You have choices. You are valuable. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Some early warning signs may include:

• low self-esteem or self-image

• mood swings

• short tempered or explosive anger

• hypersensitive

• verbally abusive

• uses force during arguments

• alcohol and drug use or abuse

• blames others for his/her problems or feelings

• extreme jealousy

• extreme possessiveness

• believes in rigid sex roles - (men are dominant; women are submissive)

• makes all the decisions

• controlling behaviour

• pushes for quick involvement

• controls the other person's contact with others

• isolated from others

• makes accusations of dishonesty, cheating

• cruel to animals, children

• constantly checks up on the other person

• stalks the other person (follow and watch)

• abused former partners

• may have come from an abusive family

Common warning signs that someone may be experiencing abuse include:

• changes in mood or personality

• low self-esteem

• depression

• nervousness

• emotional outbursts -anger, sadness

• sleep disturbances

• inability to concentrate

• poor memory

• unexplained physical symptoms

• sexually transmitted infections

• unexplained cuts, bruises, scrapes burns or bite marks

• disordered eating - loss of appetite, increased appetite

• withdrawal from participating in activities

• isolate themselves from others

• truancy, dropping out of school, poor work attendance

• failing grades, poor work performance

DATING BILL OF RIGHTS

You have the right to:

• express your opinions and have them be respected

• have your needs be as important as your dates or your partners needs

• make suggestions re:  mutual activities

• change your mind

• not take responsibility for the actions of others

• say NO

• be safe from abuse

• ask for affection

• refuse affection

• say no to sex at any time

• be heard

• set your own limits

• spend your time with others including family and friends

• set your own goals and have the time and space to achieve them

• resolve conflict to mutual satisfaction

• ask for a date

• refuse a date

• say no to lending money

INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITIES IN A DATING RELATIONSHIP:

• To know your limits

• To know your own values and to act on them

• To respect the limits of others

• To communicate clearly and honestly

• To be assertive with others (respectful)

• To ask for help when you need it

SAFETY PRECAUTIONS IN DATING RELATIONSHIPS:

• Date in public places until you get t know each other

• Consider double dating the first few times you go our

• Know the exact6 plans when you are going out and let family or friends know where you are and when you will return

• arrange with family or friends that you can call for a ride or help whenever you need it

• let it be known that someone is expecting you home or to call

• have enough money to pay for your own ride home

• if you are uncomfortable in a situation, trust your feelings, remain calm and try to think of a way to remove yourself as soon as possible or alternatively enlist the help of others

• never let anyone force you into an "alone" situation or suggest the same if you are feeling uncomfortable

• decide your sexual limits before you are in a pressure situation

• be prepared for sexual pressure and think about how you will handle it

• be aware of your increased inability to react when you consume alcohol or drugs

• watch your own drinks carefully

• clearly communicate your limits, remain firm and don't give in to pressure

• if you are abused in any way, tell someone, don't let guilt, shame or fear prevent you from getting the support you need

* REMEMBER - YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS.  WITHOUT OUTSIDE INTERVENTION ABUSE DOES NOT JUST STOP

HELP

Many form of dating abuse are criminal acts (ie. threats, assaults, sexual assaults and stalking). If you need assistance, legal or otherwise, there are may place that you can turn to for support.  Support is available whether or not there is criminal behaviour.  You might contact:

• POLICE:  777-6500

• MOBILE CRISIS SERVICES:  757-0127

• 24 HOUR SEXUAL ASSAULT CRISIS LINE:  352-0434

• DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EARLY INTERVENTION PROGRAM (FAMILY SERVICE REGINA):  757-6675

• KID'S HELP PHONE:  1-800-668-6868

• RAINBOW YOUTH:  757-9743

• TRANSITION HOUSE:  569-2292

• ISABEL JOHNSON SHELTER (YWCA):  525-2141

• SOPHIA HOUSE (2ND STAGE HOUSING):  565-2537

• WISH HOUSE:  543-0493

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