Signs of Abuse
Looking at your relationship, you could ask
yourself if:
- You feel afraid of upsetting your
partner and you change your behaviour to avoid it.
- Your partner puts you down or humiliates
you.
- Your partner threatens to "out" you to
employers or family
- She constantly monitors your movements.
- She acts in an aggressive way towards
you or damages your possessions.
- She pressures or forces you to do sexual
things against your will.
- She blames you for her behaviour.
- She threatens to hurt you, other people
or herself if you leave her.
These can be signs of abuse in a
relationship. And it's not only physical violence that is serious; all
abuse has damaging consequences. It can wear down your confidence and your
sense of having rights and choices. You can be cut off from friends, family
and other supports.
How you might feel
If you have been in an abusive
relationship, you may feel:
- afraid to tell anyone
- depressed or humiliated
- afraid you have failed as a lover
- scared of coping alone
- furious that she could do or say what
she did
- confused because sometimes she is loving
and kind
- guilty about leaving her or worried
about her needs
- frustrated and sad because you tried
everything
- afraid of continued violence if you
leave
- panicked that you may lose your lesbian
identity outside the relationship
- worried about your financial security
- made to believe that you deserved it
If you feel you have to watch you behaviour
in her presence, something is wrong. You are the best judge of this. It
can also help to acknowledge the pain and grief of abuse. You may believe
that something you did brought on your partner's abuse, but you are not
to blame, not even if you defended yourself or fought back.
What you can do:
- Tell friends you trust.
- Make safety arrangements such as
organizing a safe place to go, changing your phone number and locks.
- Call the police if you are in immediate
danger, or have been physically or sexually assaulted, stalked or
harassed. Violence, threats of violence and sexual assault are crimes
and can be reported to the police.
- Contact our office, a shelter, Mobile
Crisis or Victims' Services if you believe your safety is threatened.
You can apply for and Emergency Intervention Order to prevent future
violence.
- See a counsellor
If someone you know id
being abused:
- Listen to, believe and offer practical
support to a woman who confides in you about violence. Ask "How can I
help you?" or "What can you do to make yourself safer?"
- Don't excuse or deny the abuse.
- Help her understand it is not her fault
- Support her confidence to make her own
decisions, and don't tell her what to do.
- Stay in regular contact with her,
whether she leaves her partner or not.
Abuse in Lesbian
Relationships
"I never
believed she'd treat me like this"
It can be difficult to
recogniz the signs of abuse in a relationship, as people who are abusive are
not always that way. Things can get worse gradually, and abuse can take
many different forms.